The Truth About Relationships
If there is any area of life that is likely to expose our limits and elicit our least ideal version of ourselves, it is probably relationships, and especially romantic ones. Though most of us want our relationships to be fulfilling and meaningful, the current divorce statistics alone are staggering and suggest we are not doing well in this area of life as an overall culture.
The Odds Are Not Great
41 percent of first marriages end in divorce.
60 percent of second marriages end in divorce.
73 percent of third marriages end in divorce.
What Actually Works?
A series of landmark studies in the past three decades have identified exactly what people who succeed in their intimate relationships do differently than those who fail.
Researchers discovered a core set of emotional habits that that are so powerfully positive that, when a people have them, they end up having satisfying long-term relationships over 90% of the time. This kind of predictive validity is virtually unheard of in most branches of science, and has captured the attention educators across the country, spurring the development of courses that teach this core set of habits that are so highly predictive of relationship success. Most people believe their habits will enable them to succeed in their relationships, but available evidence suggests that this is wishful thinking. Studies suggest that most people don’t meet the prerequisites for relationship success. Most of us don’t have the habits needed to make our relationships succeed over the long haul. In fact, most people don’t even know what these crucial habits are.
I Can Help
In our work together, I will help you and your partner more fully develop these emotional habits that are so highly predictive of relationship success.
The attitudes and behaviors necessary to succeed in relationships are easy to understand and learn, but can be very difficult to do, because, at key moments, you may find yourself in a state of mind that isn’t compatible with the needed behavior or attitude. In order to change your thinking or behaviors, you must develop the ability to get into the right frame of mind for the task. Marriage researchers have discovered that, when a marriage is distressed, each partner generally reacts to the other during arguments in highly predictable and patterned ways.
The Brain Is the Key
Thanks to some very helpful brain research in the past 15 years, we now know that this is because, across our lives, each of our brains gets conditioned to produce highly specific response programs. These are conditioned brain circuits that are pre-programmed so that, once triggered, they unfold as if they had a mind of their own, producing a predictable pattern of thoughts, feelings and behaviors. Brain researchers call these brain states “executive operating systems” or “intrinsic motivational circuits.” Ordinary people call them “states of mind” or “moods.” The important thing is not what they are called, but to recognize that these internal response programs can dramatically dictate how you interact with your partner. To improve your relationship, you will need to become familiar with the specific mood state patterns that happen inside of you during key intimate situations. Your best shot at acting differently comes when you develop the ability to shift internal states when needed.
A Solution That Works
I feel fortunate to have encountered the work and had the opportunity to encounter the work of Brent Atkinson, Ph.D., the creator of Pragmatic Experiential Therapy for Couples (PET-C), an approach which translates new knowledge about how the brain processes emotion into practical methods for improving relationships and increasing personal success. I’ve also been fortunate to attend a workshop with Brent and work with several other PET-C informed therapists, including teaching a relationship class I co-created on his model.
Let’s Do Something About This!
I can help you get your life on back from depression and encourage you to contact me using the pop-up form below to schedule a free 30 minute consultation. Or you can call me at my confidential business number (303) 748-4730.
I look forward to speaking with you about your concerns and am happy to answer any additional questions about how I might help you!